Why won’t he just apologize?  Why doesn’t he realize I’m upset?  Women ask themselves countless questions about the men in their lives and it appears that the answer may be deeper than “he just doesn’t get it.”

Psychology books and self-help articles in print and online have long recognized a man’s reluctance to apologize.  Women have speculated that men’s egos are far too fragile for them to admit their wrong or we’ve assumed they are obvlivious to why an apology may be in order. A new study, though, says these are not the reasons why a man will not apologize.

University of Waterloo psychologists Karina Schumann and Michael Ross wrote in the journal Psychological Science that men are less likely to say “I’m sorry.”  But they also found that men are less likely to take offense or expect an apology from someone else.

Their conclusion is that “men apologize less frequently than women because they have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” Whether on the giving or receiving end, males are less likely to feel an unpleasant incident is serious enough to warrant a statement of remorse. Either way, this disconnect creates “unfortunate consequences for mixed-gender interactions,” Schumann and Ross note. “For example, if women perceive offenses that their male romantic partners do not notice, women might interpret an absence of an apology as evidence that their partners are indifferent to their well-being. Similarly, men may regard their female partners as overly sensitive and emotional.”

What can women learn from this study?  We should not assume that a man in our life realizes an apology is in order.  Since we tend to be viewed as overly sensitive and emotional, it is important to take a step back and analyze a situation to see if it really is bad enough to warrant an apology.  And if it is, don’t order your man to apologize.  Explain how you feel about the situation and why it was offensive.  Let him know why you wish he would have apologized.  And after that, let it go.

Another suggestion is that the “overly sensitive and emotional” side of us can take a hint from our male counterparts.  When you analyze a situation, take a real inventory of just how offensive an incident was.  Be sure you aren’t the one over-reacting to a situation in which you believe an apology is in order.  And remember, that if a man sees a situation as offensive, the study shows he is just as likely to apologize as a woman is.  You just may need to do  some explaining regarding why the situation was offensive.